One of the biggest challenges you鈥檒l face as a parent is making the听transition from parenting your children to establishing a healthy relationship with your听adult听children. You really don鈥檛听parent听adult kids per se, but if you work to cultivate your relationship, you may win their hearts as a coveted encourager, a trusted advisor, and a faithful friend. So how do you build a strong relationship with your adult children?听Here are five tips.
Your kids are not like you. Adjust your expectations. Millennials and their younger siblings, the members of听, may appear choosy and even entitled because they want everything individualized. Their concept of a career may involve a lot of job hopping (which may look bad to you) because they want to do meaningful work in an independent environment. They don鈥檛 trust systems and institutions, and they question听everything. (Don鈥檛 get defensive or take their questioning personally!) Keep in mind the fundamental differences between males and females when communicating with your adult children. When we talk to our sons, we get a good, factual run-down of what鈥檚 going on in their lives. When our daughter calls, usually she鈥檚 feeling an extreme听emotion听and just needs to express her feelings. Also, keep in mind that the relationship you have with your kids who are single and those that are married will be different. Respect the boundaries that marriage represents and听.
We stay in touch with our adult kids through something we call 鈥渓ittle touches鈥濃�攊ntermittent texts of things like听, photos of things they鈥檇 find amusing, and topics of shared interest. (My husband and sons text throughout every Dallas Cowboys football game!) It鈥檚 healthy for your kids to know you have your own fulfilling life, so you needn鈥檛 respond to every text right away. In fact, it might make you seem a little听尘辞谤别听interesting听if you don鈥檛. Learn not to take their occasional non-replies personally. Most importantly, remember that emotional neediness is a big no-no when you鈥檙e trying to build a healthy relationship with your adult children.听If you鈥檙e struggling听with听听or this new phase in your relationship with your kids, talk to your spouse, a friend, or counselor. Your kids aren鈥檛 responsible for your emotions, and they have enough of their own to deal with as they try to navigate life. (An article I wrote for听听discusses this further.)
Your goal is to have a meaningful adult relationship with your grown kids. Think about the other meaningful relationships in your life and take some time to think objectively about what it looks like to be听a good friend. Good friends are trustworthy, loyal, and dependable. They鈥檙e encouraging, positive, kind, and thoughtful. They鈥檙e good listeners, non-judgemental, and express empathy. They鈥檙e supportive in good times and bad, and they don鈥檛 give advice unless asked. They respect your time and are fun to be around.听Be that person听with your听kids.
Ask your kids to help you learn to be a good parent and friend to them as adults. (Your humility will mean a lot to them.)听You鈥檝e never walked this path before, and neither have they, so you鈥檒l both need to be understanding and patient. You鈥檒l make mistakes and fall back into parent-mode by accident. Likewise, they may struggle with defensiveness and hear everything you say as instruction or criticism. We told our kids we would do our best, but they needed to try to view our relationship differently as well.
It鈥檚 fun to have all of your kids together and observe their adult sibling interactions,听but if you really want to build your relationship with them as individuals, you need to spend time with each of them alone. After all, it would be difficult to grow听any听friendship without spending one-on-one time together! Kids of any age love to have their parents鈥� undivided attention, and your adult kids are no different.
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